In the modern world of technology bullying has evolved and turned into the cyber space. People all around the world, specifically teenagers, find it easier to go online and post about other kids and make up rumors, talk trash about others easily since they don’t see that certain individual or group of individuals face to face to tell them. Cyberbullying is becoming a huge growing issue in today’s world, which is filled with technology and Internet.
Bullying has been around since the world started, but as people entered 21st century and technology grew, so did bullying as it evolved something much worse through the growing technology known as “Cyberbullying”. Today bullying is done throughout many levels, shapes and forms and it has no limit for what age you are or how harsh it might be. Dr. Mathews explains “Bullying based on sexual orientation and gender identity happens every day to teens across the country”, but those are not the only things, religion, culture, ethnicity, socio-economic backgrounds are also factors of bullying. On top of the traditional bullying such as being verbal and/or physical, another form has come along that takes place online known as cyberbullying. Dr. Mathews continued to explain “While there have been a lot of fight against bullying and the awareness of being different is ok, a study done by Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) has shown that 89 percent of teens said the phrase ‘that's so gay’ was frequently heard in school”. In fact cyberbullying is by far the biggest and most dangerous form of bullying and it grown more powerful everyday as technology advances and only until now nothing has been done for the awareness of this growing issue. For example, GLSEN reports that “53 percent of gay and lesbian students said they'd been cyberbullied.”
In a survey done in 2009, in particular “Bullies can target aspects of teens' lives other than sexual orientation, such as appearance, hobbies, and ethnic background”. "In the year 2000 a University of New Hampshire study found that one out of every 17, or 6 percent of kids in the United States, had been threatened or harassed online." (Meech) and that number has grown significantly 12 years later and unfortunately it continues to grow everyday.
Source: Meech, Scott. "Cyber-Bullying Is Worse than Physical Bullying." Media Violence. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2004. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "Cyber Bullying: Worse Than Traditional Bullying." Educators' eZine. 2007. Gale Opposing Viewpoints In Context. Web. 11 Nov. 2012.
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I think you need a stronger topic sentence and the phrasing is a little awkward.
ReplyDeleteThe support is good and you the facts worked well with your argument.
The transitions were okay.
There were some grammar mistakes, which made the sentence either too long or awkward to read.
The argument is strong and overall a good blog post. Just need to check mainly for grammar.
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ReplyDeleteAryo-
ReplyDeleteI believe you need a stronger topic sentence. It is a bit choppy and you might want to consider re-wording it. The support is a bit choppy and needs to be reviewed. You have some really good points but they seem to jump from one another. Work on the flow of the sentences and the paragraphs. The quotes are good but again seem to be just pasted in. There are a few grammar problems as well, commas, placement of words. I understand that cyber bullying is an issue, but what exactly is the argument? Again though I really like your facts and I think they help support your argument. Just make sure you connect them together smoothly. My suggestion is to work on the flow of the blog and to watch for grammar and spelling as best you can.
Topic Sentence- Your topic sentence makes really good points, but clean it up a little. It sounds kind of all mixed together and awkward.
ReplyDeleteSupport- Looks pretty good.
Transitions- They could use some work, try to grab the readers attention instead of just going on and on and on.
Quote- Good quote, I like the statistics.
Grammar- Check for run-ons.
Strong Argument- Really good argument, just make sure to read over your posts once you're finished with them!
Topic Sentences: Commit to one of your first two topic sentences as they fill the same role of introducing your topic in a large-scale sense. The third paragraphs topic sentence could use a strong topic sentence to provide context for the survey discussed in this paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSupport: The support you used in this blog post was sufficient for an introduction
Transitions: As referred to previously, the first two topics of your blog fulfill the same role of introducing your blog topic, and as such the transition between the two paragraphs was awkward.
Quote: The quotes provided in this blog do well in establishing context surrounding the issue of cyber bullying. While the majority of the quotes used were well integrated, some could use more explanation.
Grammar and Spelling: There were a few instances where vital words were omitted from sentences. Also, the pacing was awkward at times.
Strong Argument: While the context surrounding the issue is described well, the direction in which your argument is heading is rather ambiguous. Future blog posts may benefit greatly from a stronger, more concrete, thesis.
You do well in describing the endemic plague of cyber bullying, but could use a better defined argument. What are you saying about cyber bullying?